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The Rant Line

How come nobody in St. Catharines sells soup anymore?

[Ed.– There’s definitely soup being sold in St. Catharines. Maybe you’re just not looking in the right places.]

I’m too drunk to reach my lighter! This is a catastrophe!

[Ed.– But close enough to reach the phone!]

All the 30–something couples with babies, if you are only going out just because it’s kids eat free day, then stay at home. Do us all a favour make supper yourself or go to McDonald’s.

[Ed.– Kids will be kids. And cranky ranters will be cranky ranters. Why don’t you cry about it?]

That voice on your answering machine is very nice.

I am D.T.F. and wish more girls were D.T.F. too.

[Ed.– I’m so D.T.F. too. I stayed out in the sun too long and my face got burned. Also known as a dragon–tanned face.]

Not only do I have yellow shorts but green and purple ones too.

This is Granny. This goes out to the little prick who tried to egg me, but guess what, you sack of shit, you missed! I hope whoever is your favourite person in the world gets egged and whoever eggs them has better aim because you missed. Ha ha!

James, it’s Mike. I think it’s your turn for the beer run.

Are you shitting me?

I may be drunk, but the whole LCBO strike shit is a scam.

I was just in the store and they had everything but green ketchup. What happened to it? I love food coloring!

[Ed.– There’s got to be purple stuff around here somewhere.]

To the person who thinks pajama pants are attractive you are very wrong. The people who go out in them need to take showers.

Michelle from New York, if this is who I think it is I would love to talk to you one–on–one.

I have a rant about that law that came about a few years ago where its legal for women to walk around topless. I just wanted to say that the only women who have taken advantage of it are old women with boobs down to their ankles.

My rant is directed to people complaining about how loud motorcycles are. I’m not a biker but to the people complaining about it, you need to get some cheese with your whine. You can say the same thing about cars driving around with no mufflers.

You biker mice kill me.

[Ed.– The ‘90s called, they want your joke back.]

What a terrible week in Hollywood. First Ed, then Farrah, and now Michael. Horrible!

Just beat it, beat it, if you want to be fair just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it. Rest in peace, King Of Pop.

I have never heard of anything lamer than the stupid cheeseburgers and cat rants. It is probably from people from the gutter who have nothing better to do. It is so lame! Come up with a half–decent subject to talk about people.

[Ed.– Hold on a second, did you just see what you did there?]

I have never been a fan of Michael Jackson but his death is a total shock.

I once saw Jesus have lunch with Jim Morrison.

[Ed.– They used to play in a band together.]

Get there in one piece. Get there without hurting someone or yourself, so speedy drivers, please slow down.

My new girlfriend is better looking than my last girlfriend and I think this is what they call trading up. Yeah me!

[Ed.– Just to let you know, you can trade up cars, not humans. ]

To the bitches that stole my MAC makeup from my bathroom at my party, Have fun using my makeup, and guess what? I have a nasty eye infection!

You are the real Michelle from New York and you’re full of shit!

Try punching me in the head when I’m riding my bike on the sidewalk and you’ll get a ball–peen hammer in the forehead!

Edward Cullen can smash my headboard, bruise my body and bite my pillows any day. Breaking Dawn is amazing! From Andros.

Homicide is murder. Homocide is murder of a gay. Homeycide is murder of your friend. And hamicide is murder of a pig.

What’s wrong with these Christian high schools? You have to take some religion course? Some kind of polymous course to actually help you get into university? What’s up with that? Second of all, are the girls sluttier than the public school girls? Come on, really? Christians, my ass!

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